I can still hear those words ringing in ma ears! "If you make another boo-boo with another hooker, you're outta here for good! D'ya hear me, ya two-bit hustler?" ...
We've all been there, buddy. Caught "in flagrante" with a young floozie! There I was in my clunker with this flaky (but well-developed, if ya know what ah mean?) bearcat.......All eyes and mouth......Not me, ya stupid dumbass! We were looking for somewhere to chow down before making whoopee in my old, gnarled but fantabulous '83 Mustang SVO. The offer of a Big Mac ain't well received. This gabby gal ain't settling for anything less than an IHOP favourite, starting with a Rooty-Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity, followed by a Crispy Banana Caramel Cheesecake. Slurrrrrrrp...Slurrrrrp! That's just for starters!
Now I ain't exactly gagging for it, but I certainly ain't getting any younger, so I have to have a game plan to be sure of a good bang for ma buck, if ya follow me, dude. Planning for the next barn-burner requires good timing and ah need the right tools for the bomb, buddy. Me ol' ticker ain't what it used to be....not that I'm a cream puff, but ya have to plan for all eventualities, including the arrival of a wet blanket. Yup! Meaning me other half, of course!
The trouble is, me other half, turns up at IHOP. Boy! She can scarf down as well as you and me, buddy...specially when she cops a load of me and ma bearcat. That Crispy Banana Caramel Cheesecake goes flying past me at the speed of light, with me other half pulling me by the ear and leading me out of the restaurant, screaming in ma lug-hole "If you make another boo-boo........." Well, the rest is history, folks, which brings me to ma latest gadget. It's perfect for those of us who have people to see, places to go and need to keep in touch with our other half...are ya with me? This gizmo is off the charts for the way it gives you total wireless freedom, crystal clear communication and excellent talk time. It's the Quikcell QThree QBluetooth in all its glory......go take a peak!
Product Specification:
Q9400 Bluetooth Headset
AC/DC Power Adapter
Universal Pouch
Heavy Duty Case
 Um, Bob, what time is our launch?" - Wendy asked. The atmosphere was growing quickly, as a mixture of excitement and fear permeated through the air ... The year is now 2012. December 11th to be precise. We have exactly ten days until the end of the world. The collective consciousness is dancing poetically yet chaotically with streams of differing viewpoints on whether the prophecies are indeed true or not. Thoughts run wild - "is it a grand hoax? did the mayan calendar really exist or not?" - whilst others have passively retired to the comforting thought that we will all return home to our Creator... And yet others have taken this on as a mission to save the world from extinction - Apocalyse Now style. Will Bruce Willis and our favorite action heros come to our rescue ... were the movies a practice scenario - a peek into our future - secretly training them in the art of war. Sun Tzu style. Either way - a team of Quantum Physicists and Gravitionational Physicists have been called forth from all corners of the world to be apart of the super secret mission: STW-21-33 . The purpose naturally to ensure survival of the human race ... Professor. Wendy Shimeburger is in charge of the white space shuttle, which will go to the center of the black hole and attempt to close it using advanced alien technology stolen (excuse me - borrowed) by the US government. Bob Langdon is the pilot. Tom Cruise is assistant navigator. Together they will attempt the improbable ... As they board the shuttle, the doors close slowly. Pssshhhh... The airtight seal is now locked. Bob turns the ignition. "Stage one" he shouts. The dashboard lights flicker on .. Tom and Wendy reluctantly walk to the leather seats embroidered with a fashionable slogan "We will close the hole" and fasten their belts tightly. Bob presses the shiny red button - "Stage two complete" .. the engines roar into a maelstrom of activity. The vibrations are now moving through the whole shuttle. Wendy smiles as she realizes they will be launching into orbit shortly ... Bob puts his headset on and issues a command "Everyone hold tight". Tom clutches his knees and looks up at the ceiling - perhaps praying to God. Then suddenly ... hiss ... bang ... boom ... a red alarm light starts flashing .. Bob jumps up and screams "The ECS is not working! Help!". Wendy unbuckles her belt, and pulls out a black phallic shaped device. Tom's eyes light up. She is holding a super advanced flashlight screwdriver. She walks over to the Environmental Control System and turns a few screws - securing the device back into place and suddenly the red alarm light turns back off. Bob quickly runs up to Wendy and gives her a kiss on her cheek and says "Let's get on with our mission...". To end a long story - the screwdriver did indeed save mankind, as the mission was a complete success. Tom sighs ... Product DescriptionFeatures 8 fold-out screwdrivers with built-in, ultra-bright LED beam. Integrated wide-beam LED flashlight. Ideal for repair projects, household chores and emergencies. When you need the right screwdriver, right within your reach, there's nothing like this handy, '8-in-1' multi-tool. It features eight popular slotted and Phillips driver heads - including a reversible mini-driver - that folds out of the handle for instant use. Plus, it has a built-in, ultra-bright white LED taht focuses light directly on the tool tip for intense pinpoint illumination. And a pro-quality, triple-bulb flashlight that casts a wide, ultra-bright white LED beam - perfect for all sorts of repairs. Durable ABS plastic with 'On/Off' light clip. 2 'AAA' batteries (not included).
 "Welcome to the planet Zog! We know that you earthly humans are not as advanced as we Zogites." ("Very humble words," I thought, "coming from a most unattractive, egg-headed alien!") Anyways, those are only words I thought 'cos looking at those creepy, slanted-eyes, I wasn't going to risk saying anything to upset the first Zogite I have ever encountered... Yikes! I have one of those feelings that calling a Zogite an airhead could well end up with my being blown out of here in the blinking of an eye. "Follow me!" commanded the Zogite. Well, I certainly hope this spacy character isn't jerking me around! Judging by what's behind the sliding glass doors, these Zogites are no rinky-dink aliens. Oh no!! Au contraire, ma eyes are popping out of ma head, buddies, as my peepers are met by one helluva waboosh scene. In front of me is some kinda control room with rows and rows of crystalline desks. Behind the desks are fellow Zogites looking perty smart for ma liking. Yep! I could see Bill Gates serenading the Zogite leaders while saying "That's da bomb, my man...that's da bomb." (Creep-ass!) There were all these holographic laptops (at least that's what I think the main Zogite geek was saying). Man, they were real cool-looking machines, made of ultra-slim glass with an opaque keyboard and wowee!! The mouse, the mouse was................. Hell! I woke up! There I was, in my couch potato mode, vegging out in front of the Simpsons, when I must have completely racked out. Gee! The funny thing is ... I snoozed with my finger on my new, awesome Microsoft Wireless Mouse 3000. Yup! This is one Mouse that really takes the cake! It's got all the features you want like high definition optical technology, snap-in receiver, wireless freedom ... and much more. This is no snow job, dudes! Go check it out for yourself. Product SpecificationHigh Definition Optical Technology - more precise and more responsive Wireless Freedom - stop getting tangled with wires Snap-in Receiver - plug in snap-in receiver - snap into mouse when yoy travel to preserve battery life 6+ Months Battery Life Device Stage - quickly and easily access common tasks including product information, registration and settings Comfortable in Either Hand - designed for ambidextrous use Designed for Notebook PC's - Compact, comfortable, and designed for convenience and mobility 3-Button Mouse - Get quick access to the media and programs with customizable buttons Ergonomic Design - Helps you work longer without discomfort 3-Year Warranty - Limited Warranty and Licence Agreement available.
 Oh, to be a child again. The innocent carefree bliss that pervaded your rose colored view of the world ... as you juggled curiosity and your imaginary friend Tony ... skipping, playing and running free...And then you grew up. Responsibilities, stresses, relationships and survival became your comrade or bete noire depending on the period of your life. As you evolved away from holding your parents hands to cross the road, you looked to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to give you strength and inspiration. Your friends led you into other worlds. Suddenly, you had grown up ... you were invincible .. there were no limits. You could have it all. Then one day you woke up. Your stuck working a 9-6 job at Corporate Hell. Your favorite part of the day is seeing boo-boo (your wife) when you get home at 8pm after LA traffic causes you to space out to 50 Cents' latest track for the 200th time. You eat dinner, put the kids to sleep, perhaps get some nookie (if it's Wednesday or Sunday) and await your midnight slumber. You know something is missing. You can't think what it might be. Perhaps it is your childhood dreams that have been put to rest (RIP). You wanted to be a celebrity and learn to dance like Michael Jackson on acid. Now you are 44 years old, starting to sprout grey hair as if someone puts fertilizer on your head everytime you lay down. But all is not lost ... you have some of the most amazing children in the world. Little Sammy has just turned two .. he can walk faster than you and even his dance moves make you smile. So ... to reconcile your inner banshee ... you decide to embrace Sammy's dreams to be the next dancing queen. He has the unusual behavior of just jumping up and dancing at the most inopportune moments (such as when your boss is proposing to his girlfriend!). Nevertheless, you want him to look at his best and embrace his habit - so you now carry a pair of mini stylish glittery retro sneakers on your keychain ... so he looks cool when he is getting down on his mock dance floor ... let's just hope he wants to be the next John Travolta instead ... Contents:12 x Mini Retro Sneaker Keyrings (Yes, twelve!)
 Everyone in the mountain commune in Kunming, southern China, must be under 4ft 3 ins tall and they run their own police force and fire brigade from their 120 residents. Now the group has turned itself into a tourist attraction by building mushroom houses and living and dressing like fairy tale characters. "As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people. But here there aren't any big people and everything we do is for us," said spokesman Fu Tien. The idea of housing dwarves in special compounds would be anathema in the West, and the village has sparked fierce debates among expats living in China. "When I first heard this I pictured myself obscure freak shows from a hundred years back," wrote one commenter on the GoKunming website. "Pay the entrance fee and you can watch these people perform." But others said that it was the dwarves' best chance of employment given the surplus of labour in China. "We might feel aghast at treating humans this way but this is the best way the Chinese government can deal with the situation right now," wrote Tonyaod. "Go back a hundred years or so in our culture and we will see that we did the same thing à la the freakshows and the circus." via telegraph.co.uk
 Dr. Whippy Mixed Media/Travelling Performance: London, Austria and Zagreb, 2007 – 09 Dr. Whippy is a machine which proffers soft scoop ice cream according to the perceived unhappiness level of the customer. Employing a voice-stress analysis of the user’s answers to specific questions, varying degrees of unhappiness are measured and the counteractive quantity of ice cream is dispensed: The more unhappy you are, the more ice cream you need.
 British soldier made a pact with his friend that if one of them died, the other would have to wear a dress to the funeral. He kept his promise by wearing a neon green dress, knee high socks, and boots to the funeral.
 Major, major kudos to Ann Kagawa Lee of Honolulu, Hawaii, winner of Cheap Chic Wedding's annual toilet-paper wedding dress contest, who made this mind-boggling matrimonial ensemble out of bathroom tissue—a textile fit for a recession!—tape, glue, and a breathtaking amount of commitment. Lee's stunningly detailed creation, which has drawn comparisons to an Oscar de la Renta couture gown, according to the Web site, was inspired by a potent combo of Gone With the Wind and Japanese origami.
 Tests show that controversial runner Caster Semenya is a woman ...and a man! The 18-year-old South African champ has no womb or ovaries and her testosterone levels are more than three times higher than those of a normal female, according to reports. The tests, ordered by The International Association of Athletics Federations after Semenya's 800-meter victory in the World Championships, determined she's a hermaphrodite - having both male and female organs. Semenya could be stripped of the gold medal she won in Berlin last month and her competitive future is in limbo, according to Australia's Daily Telegraph. The athletics governing body is also expected to advise her to have surgery to fix the potentially deadly condition, the paper reported. The IAAF would not comment on the results that have yet to be released. According to a source with knowledge of the IAAF tests, Semenya has internal testes - the male sexual organs that produce testosterone. Testosterone is a hormone responsible for building muscles and for producing body hair and a deep voice. Confirmation of the test results is sure to stoke the controversy that erupted after the university student's sensational track triumph. She has been embraced in her home country - where she was declared "our girl" - and appeared on a magazine cover after a feminine makeover. "God made me the way I am and I accept myself. I am who I am and I'm proud of myself," she told You Magazine, which ran a photo spread. "I don't want to talk about the tests. I'm not even thinking about them." oyaniv@nydailynews.comRead more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2009/09/10/2009-09-10_caster_semenya_.html#ixzz0Qo41QyKo
 Swine Flu apps CDC News Reader If you want the latest and most up-to-date information on the swine flu, CDC News Reader is probably a good place to start. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provides all the latest information available on the swine flu. And since it also provides information on other outbreaks the organization is tracking, you're likely to find some of the best health data of any app in this roundup. For 99 cents, it might be worth it. H1N1 Cases by State If you want daily updates on how the swine flu is spreading, H1N1 Cases by State will fill you in. H1N1 Cases by State automatically downloads daily all the new instances of swine flu in each state in the U.S. When you click on a new outbreak, you'll be brought to a page detailing it. You can also see how many deaths have occurred because of the outbreak. For 99 cents, it's not a bad app to have with you when you need some updates. Outbreaks Near Me Outbreaks Near Me is clearly one of the most useful applications in this roundup. With the help of Google Maps, Outbreaks Near Me maps all the known swine flu outbreaks in your area. The app also lets you report outbreaks if you find someone who has swine flu and isn't included in the map listing. This free app even supports push, so it can alert you whenever a new incidence of swine flu has affected your area. Check out our full review here. Swine Flu Tracker Swine Flu Tracker is a simple application designed to keep track of where outbreaks of the swine flu are occurring all over the world. When you start using Swine Flu Tracker, you'll find a series of maps that lets you see each instance of swine flu outbreaks. You can check around your area or elsewhere around the world. The app also features an information pane, providing detailed data on the swine flu, where it comes from, and how to prevent it from affecting you. It's available for free. Swine Flu Upto-the-Minute Swine Flu Upto-the-Minute aims at becoming your daily source for everything related to the swine flu. To do so, it starts out by telling you where the worldwide alert level is. It then explains what each level means to you. The app also features the world's "status" to let you know whether it's safe to travel to certain countries. If you want to learn more about the swine flu or influenza in general, Swine Flu Upto-the-Minute has some documents for you to read. Even if you're looking for the latest headlines, you'll find it with this app. It's full-featured and affordable at 99 cents.
 The Internet auction giant, eBay, is offering the chance to dine with Sarah Palin, with bids starting at $25,000. CNN reports the winner will engage in a dinner for five with the former Alaska governor and her husband, Todd. The auction is for a good cause, with all of the proceeds going to “Ride 2 Recovery,” a charity that provides bicycles to wounded veterans and organizes bike rides to aid in their physical and mental rehabilitation and recovery. Palin spokesperson, Meg Stapleton said, “The Governor is excited to have been asked to honor our nation’s veterans in this way.” According to CNN, the auction opens sometime on Tuesday and will remain open for ten days. Also up for auction on eBay is lunch with former Bush presidential adviser Karl Rove, with a startin
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